Fifteen Sixteen Maids In The Kitchen: A Grasshopper Lawns whodunit Read online

  Edge started collecting mugs and glasses and stacked them on the trolley with Grant’s help. He was still obviously thoroughly enjoying himself and in no mood for an early night.

  ‘That Kkkitty Catt was a bit much, I can see you wouldn’t want to let on there’d be a murder. She was so obviously the one to go we’d have all watched her like hawks. Where did you find her?’

  ‘There really are about a dozen Kkkitty Catt books, you know,’ Edge evaded the question and he grinned at her approvingly.

  ‘Okay, I won’t tease for private clues! She was, in her own way, quite wonderful. Am I being over-imaginative, or is my mate William being a bit gruff?’

  ‘More than a bit!’ Edge nodded at him as she gingerly shook the trolley to see if everything was secure. ‘Writer’s block, apparently. He’s been like this since Tenerife, even after going on a very fancy writer’s retreat, and he’s blaming the whole world in general and the three of us in particular, and being unbearable. My aunt, who is the most terrifying woman you’d ever meet and who also lives at the Lawns, caught a moody blast and tore a bone-deep strip off him. I nearly cheered! He’s tried to be a bit more human since then, but we’re not enjoying him as much as usual.’

  ‘Serves him right,’ Grant was completely unsympathetic. ‘I hit a block a year or so ago, lasted months, and he was incredibly pompous and patronising about it. Told me writing was a mind-set and to stop being so melodramatic. I never quite forgave him for that. I look forward to lecturing him tomorrow on mind-sets. Let me push the trolley through, you can follow and pick up anything that falls off.’

  Drew was standing rather relaxed guard outside the drawing room and looked longingly at the trolley as they went past him. ‘Is there any hot water left? I’d love a quick coffee.’

  ‘I’ll bring you one,’ Edge promised. ‘And shortbread?’

  ‘Nay, dinnae fash, we’re nearly finished, we’ll come through to the kitchen for the debrief. You can’t stay, though, Grant.’

  Grant sighed but obediently took himself off to bed once Edge had assured him she didn’t need help loading the dishwasher. She’d just finished and started it churning when the others came through, looking as tired as she felt.

  Debrief

  ‘Nothing!’ William sank onto the bench Vivian had thoughtfully provided for his bulk. ‘I studied each and every face and I haven’t a clue who did it.’

  Kirsty headed for the urn, but smiled ruefully over her shoulder at him as she swiftly set out five fresh mugs. ‘Welcome to my world. Everyone looks shifty, nobody looks guilty. Frustrating!’

  ‘No more coffee for me!’ Edge said hastily. ‘There must be some you could rule out?’

  Donald nodded. ‘Sure, on their alibis, but remember they all thought – well, all but one – that it was a game. Martha Smith was really annoyed she’d been talking to Grant when the alarm sounded. She was trying to set up an elaborate scenario of having shot off while he was upstairs getting his jersey. She said she’d have seized the chance to rub her out. That gave us a bad moment, ken, because Grant hadn’t even mentioned he was out of the room at the exact time. We can't completely rule him out, which is a bugger, although the timing would have been incredibly tight. Aubrey is definately hiding something, we could barely get a word out of him. Diane was talking to William, so she’s the only one absolutely in the clear. By the way, I hope you didn’t let Jeanette’s real name slip. Kirsty thinks it’s possible the killer knew her, so we managed to ease accidentally calling her Jane in every interrogation, giving them the chance to correct us. Not a flicker.’

  ‘You two were really good,’ Kirsty said fairly, taking a chair at the table and cradling her mug between both hands. ‘Donald being corny detectives, and William playing the straight man. Better than good cop bad cop! But nothing to have based an arrest on. Not even close.’

  ‘Straight man hell, I was Nero Wolfe, you should read more. The one thing we did establish is that whoever it was has themselves well in hand, no wild eye-rolling or obvious paranoia. Do we lock them all into their rooms overnight, though? Be more than a bit embarrassing if there are more murders during the night.’

  Kirsty looked alarmed. ‘No! After going through a whole evening of play-acting, that would be stupid, and dangerous too. What if there was a fire? I agree no-one came across as having any screws loose. Pre-planned or not, it wasn’t a random murder. I’ll keep our door ajar and stay up all night, that way I’ll hear anyone moving around and can wake Drew to tackle them.’ She slanted a smiling glance at her fiancé, who groaned.

  ‘I’m almost too tired to care.’ Edge went into the pantry to find the bottle of cream liqueur which Vivian had thoughtfully included on the list, and poured herself a small dram of her favourite indulgence. ‘He or she could murder me in my bed and I’d sleep through the whole thing. Thank goodness we’ve got the dogs. Should we leave them the run of the house tonight or keep them with us?’

  ‘With us.’ Donald leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. ‘They’re a little unsettled and if they rouse the house because someone goes to the loo in the middle of the night they’ll be extremely unpopular. Kirsty and Drew can handle the upstairs, and if anyone does come creeping around our suite, the dogs can see them off. Seriously, Kirsty, you don’t need to sit watch. All the doors have keys, and I guarantee you everyone locked themselves in without thinking twice about it. This isn’t a family party, they’re strangers who are paying to stay here. You lock yourself in at a hotel, right?’

  Triffid

  Edge had a confused dream about a train in the tunnel under the railway line charging up the gully hooting a warning at her to get out of the way while she stood frozen to the spot with shock. Even as she cringed back there was a sudden burst of light and she woke as Donald scrambled out of bed, swearing under his breath, and pulled on his trousers.

  ‘What’s going on?’ She pushed up onto her elbows, slightly dazed, and he shrugged into his polo neck jersey.

  ‘Panic button. Three a.m! Stay in bed, don’t get up.’

  ‘Fat chance.’ Memory came flooding back and she threw back the duvet and reached for her padded-silk housecoat. ‘With a murderer wandering around? Go. I’ll catch up. Where’s the sound coming from?’

  ‘Sounds like upstairs, that bloody triffid, at a guess. But we can't assume.’

  ‘No. Go, Donald, really. I’ll be right behind you.’

  He hesitated, opened the door and relaxed. ‘Vivian’s up. Stay together. Keep the dogs with you.’ With that he was gone, and she tugged on her slippers, her fingers still clumsy with sleep. Vivian came into the bedroom in her dressing gown, running her fingers through her hair in a vain attempt to bring it under control, Buster almost treading on her heels as he pressed protectively close to her legs.

  ‘I hate this. I’ve barely slept for worry, and those damn stags bugling. Every time this beastly old house creaks it woke me up again. This will have everyone up and there’ll be a rush for cocoa. Will you come with me to the kitchen?’

  Edge quailed at the thought of walking past the locked library with its grisly occupant, then nodded reluctantly. ‘I told Donald I’d catch up with him, but we can call up from downstairs. Okay. Where’s William?’

  ‘Can’t you hear him?’ Vivian asked drily. ‘Still snoring. Not exactly a light sleeper. Might as well let him sleep. Buster, boy, you’re staying. And Odette. Guard William!’

  ***

  There weren’t, after all, that many of them in the kitchen. The plant had indeed been the culprit and most of the guests went straight back into their rooms. Martha Smith, her wiry grey hair on end, told Vivian she was a life-saver but took her cocoa back to bed so it was Donald, Stuart, looking tired, and Grant, who was delighted the fun had started up again, who stayed in the kitchen.

  ‘The plot thickens,’ he said joyfully, taking the chair next to Edge. ‘Aubrey’s face was a study. Never heard a man scream like that before. I assumed it was one of the women until I erupted fro
m my room. That plant is wonderful, funniest thing I ever heard of. I can’t wait to have the corridor to myself so I can try it out.’

  ‘But where was he going?’ Edge looked up at Donald, who was the only one still standing. ‘There’s a bathroom nearer his room, he didn’t need to pass that wretched thing.’

  Stuart, looking extremely eccentric in an unbuttoned shirt, which revealed some tufts of grizzled chest hair, and striped pyjama bottoms, padded off towards the kitchen door with his packet of cigarettes.

  ‘Where are the keys?’ he asked fretfully. ‘If there was a fire, our bodies would found heaped against all the doors. What are we locked up against anyhow? Militant deer?’

  ‘This house couldn’t burn if it tried, it’s too damp.’ Donald produced William’s keys and unlocked the door so Stuart could take his cigarette outdoors. He peered out after him. ‘Stopped raining, anyway, the clouds have cleared, I can see stars.’ He turned back to answer Edge’s question. ‘He says he forgot there was a bathroom at his end. I’m pretty sure he was either creeping to or from one of the women’s bedrooms, but he isn’t admitting it. Diane looked disgusted by all the fuss, and Zoe was scornful. Place your bets as to which one. They all three acted as if I was offering hemlock when I said you were making cocoa, and slammed into their respective bedrooms. Three keys turned in almost perfect unison.’ He put his cocoa down and carefully marked both the upstairs and downstairs plants on the wall plan. ‘If I’d done that earlier we’d have slept through. Sorry.’

  Grant looked round the table and frowned. ‘What don’t I know? You’re all looking very stressed about a simple prank. I thought this was the sort of thing we’d be expecting all week.’

  Donald nodded, and made a good attempt at a smile. ‘Oh aye, but you have to admit it wasn’t greeted with happy laughter. There’s a bit of an atmosphere. Haven’t you noticed?’

  ‘Between Aubrey and the women?’ Grant asked shrewdly, and nodded. ‘There’s a history there, if you ask me.’

  Stuart returned in time to hear the comment and rounded the table to sit next to Vivian. ‘Tried his luck, do you think? Braver man than me if it was that Zoe woman. I don’t like women who look like the undead. Diane’s good-looking, but he’s wasting his time there, she’s been cutting him dead from the start. I’m not surprised. She’s probably read one of his books.’

  ‘Whatever.’ Vivian drained her cocoa and pushed her chair back. ‘I’m for my bed before I fall asleep here at the table. Go to bed, do, you lot.’

  Grant and Stuart left together and Vivian rinsed her cocoa pan while Edge put the cocoa tin back in the darkened pantry. Only one nightlight was on, a soft glow plugged in next to the urn, but the freezer had an industrial light glowing green into the gloom and the combination was quite enough to see by now that their eyes had adjusted.

  Zoe, coming quietly into the kitchen in a pair of black silk pyjamas under a black robe, was a shadow against shadows, her face eerily pale.

  ‘Good, I was hoping to catch you here. Is it worth waking everyone up again to be sure we all locked our doors against the troubled Aubrey?’

  ‘I imagine everyone has already locked their doors. Is he a sleepwalker?’ Donald waved invitingly at the chairs around the table.

  Zoe snorted, and her face twisted briefly, then smoothed back to her usual disdainful expression. She didn’t sit, but grasped the back of one of the chairs, her knuckles green-tinted in the freezer’s light. ‘He’s mildly insane. Ask anyone, it’s no secret. I had a restraining order against him at one point, a few years ago. Bit of a bore finding him here.’

  Donald quirked an eyebrow. ‘So he was chapping on your door?’

  ‘Chapping?’ Zoe’s eyebrows rose scornfully. ‘Does that mean knocking? Quaint local expressions. No. He doesn’t chap on doors. He tries handles. Very quietly. Mine was locked against him anyway. No, I won’t stay, I want to get back to bed, but I just thought I should say something in case I’m the next corpse.’ She released the chair, turned sedately on her heel and quietly left the room.

  ‘Phew,’ Donald remarked wryly as the door clicked shut behind her. ‘History indeed. I’m going to do a little digging on the internet in the morning, see if I can dredge up that restraining order.’

  ‘She’s absolutely foul.’ Vivian was emphatic, and almost gaunt with tiredness. ‘I’m going to bed, or Sleeping Beauty will find himself the only one with any energy tomorrow. Coming, Edge?’

  Donald rose gracefully and pushed his chair tidily into place. ‘I’ll walk back with you both, then check the house. I’m feeling a little restless.’

  ‘In that case, Donald, walk Vivian back, then come back to the kitchen, if you would?’ Edge took the milk saucepan back out of the big sink, where Vivian had rinsed it. ‘I’m going to heat up some more milk, I’m wide awake. No chance I’ll sleep without something.’

  Donald nodded and Vivian suggested she use the microwave instead, then left with him. Edge put a mug of milk in the microwave, shivered, and pulled her padded-silk housecoat around herself more tightly. She was in the shadowed pantry reaching for the tin of instant hot chocolate when, over the whirr of the microwave, she heard a sound in the kitchen. Donald had been quick. She put her head round the door to ask him if all was quiet in the house, then froze when she saw Diane sitting at the kitchen table, elbows on it, and her head in her hands in a pose that looked utterly defeated.

  Edge hesitated, feeling awkward. Even as she started to withdraw Diane stiffened with a gasp of alarm and got hastily to her feet, staring across the kitchen. In the dim half-light Edge, too, could see a dark slice opening in the floor.

  ‘In here!’ she whispered urgently and Diane started, then hurried across and slipped through the half-opened door, turning instantly to watch. They both stared in fascination as the trapdoor lifted further and Aubrey’s distinctive silver-streaked dark head appeared. He climbed onto the kitchen floor and lowered the trapdoor with infinite care to drop soundlessly back into place, then glanced up sharply as the microwave pinged loudly into the utter silence. Diane’s fingers closed painfully on Edge’s arm as he looked around, then focused on the pantry door and rocked on his feet as though undecided whether to approach or retreat. They both shrank a half-step backwards, and in the muted light Edge could see that Diane’s eyes were wide and staring. She was quite sure she looked equally as frightened.

  Wee small hours

  ‘Aubrey. Couldn’t sleep?’ Donald’s voice reached them clearly and Edge’s breath escaped in a silent sigh of relief.

  ‘Er, no. No. The damnedest thing just happened!’

  ‘Aye, we know.’ Donald sounded dry. ‘We all know. You woke us all. I thought you went back to bed, though.’

  ‘Yes, I . . . I decided I couldn’t sleep. The shock, you know. Thought I would come down, see if that hot drink was still on offer. Stupid idea. I’m going to bed now. Good night.’

  The kitchen door opened and shut again behind him and Edge pushed the pantry door wide. ‘Nice timing. Again.’ She fought to keep her voice matter-of-fact, but even in her own ears it sounded thin with fright. He grinned at her, and quirked a brow as Diane appeared behind her.

  ‘I was about to check the freezer, to see whether you had hidden in there. The pantry is a much better idea. What happened?’

  Edge took the milk out of the microwave and offered it to Diane, who took it automatically. She poured another mug for herself and put it in to heat. ‘I think Aubrey discovered the drawing-room slide.’ A bubble of hilarity rose unexpectedly as she mimicked his voice. ‘The damnedest thing indeed! He came up through the trapdoor like the demon king in a pantomime, looking a little ruffled.’ She added helpfully to Diane, ‘One of the traps. One of the doors to the outside opens instead onto a slide which ends up under the kitchen.’

  ‘Oh.’ Diane looked at the mug in her hands as though not sure what to do with it. ‘Is there anything to put in this?’

  ‘Oh, I was getting hot chocolate! I’ll get it now
.’

  Donald flicked a switch on the wall beside him and the pantry light sprang to life, making them all wince against the glare. Edge retrieved the chocolate powder and switched the light off again with relief. Diane was sitting at the table once more, her tragic mouth drooping.

  ‘I hate this.’ She looked up at them both. ‘Hate it. To find him here, and that horrible, horrible woman!’

  ‘Him? Aubrey?’ Donald pulled his chair out to sit opposite and Diane nodded.

  ‘We were married, you know, although I always kept my maiden name for writing. Three years ago that foul Black woman told the world they were rapturously in love. I’ve not seen him since, my lawyer handled everything. I wouldn’t talk to him. I’ve not taken his calls, not had any contact. I nearly fainted when I saw him getting on the minibus, but I thought okay, three years, time to stop being childish. But if I had known she was coming here, I wouldn’t have got off the train!’

  ‘I don't think they’re still an item.’ Donald was dry. ‘She said she’d taken out a restraining order against him.’

  ‘Oh.’ Diane fixed her haggard eyes on him, then looked down at her clasped hands. ‘He always said it was a lie. I didn’t believe him, but I did see the look on his face when he saw her walk in this evening. Pure hatred. Still, I can’t believe anyone would make up a lie like that. There must have been something.’

  ‘You would be amazed at the lies people will tell to get a little news coverage.’ Donald, who had gone through a similar experience years earlier, sounded briefly bitter. ‘I probably shouldn’t ask, but is he a violent man?’

  The microwave pinged again and Edge busied herself sharing the two mugs of milk between three smaller cups, stirring in chocolate powder as Diane hesitated over her answer.

  ‘He has a temper,’ she said finally. ‘Put it this way, that’s why I wouldn’t see him again after Zoe made her announcement, why I ran away. He’s incredibly charming, so I didn’t want him to charm me into believing some lie, but even more I didn’t want him losing his temper with me. When he’s truly angry he does things he regrets afterwards. If that bitch really was lying to get a little publicity, yes, she’d have needed a restraining order, at least until he cooled down.’